A rough go of it.

I am having a rough time this week. Not really with bad choices, although my choices aren't great, they're not THAT bad...I'm having a rough time in my head. Here are some of the recurrent thoughts in my brain this week:

Do I really want to eat healthily for the rest of my life?

Will a non-serving size quantity of *insert sinful treat here* always haunt me until it's completely gone?

I don't feel like exercising anymore.

It's so hard to do this alone. It would be so nice to have someone who I share meals and work out with.

I'll never regain the endurance I lost this past month off from running.

I like how I look now, do I need to bother with getting smaller?

Why are you paying for WeightWatchers.com, you aren't even tracking your food?

I am getting soft again, why bother working out, if I don't constantly monitor everything, I just gain weight. I'm too tired to deal with it.

Work is stressful, all of this can wait until the Fall when things calm down.

My knee is still hurting. I'm supposed to start my 1/2 marathon training this month. What if I can't do the 1/2 marathon?

I can't go to the doctor because I don't have insurance. What if I can never run again?


Needless to say, my mind has been...dark. I feel like I'm sprialling out of control into a downward vortex. This time it's not about bad choices. It's just about being tired and not caring anymore.

I didn't want to write this. You guys are an amazing source of support for me, and I know I'm not alone...but it sure does feel like it some times. Especially in my day to day life.

I am trying to get through this. I really am. Writing it out sounds pathetic, but it is nice to get it out of my head. If you add all of this, to the regular day to day stress of work and the husband's always changing health and problems...I'm just tired. Really, really tired.

I need a magic fitness fairy to come along, pick me up and take me for a walk or to the gym or for a swim. Or maybe just shake me until I come back to my senses.

Anyway, that's it. That's where I am. I don't like it here. I can't afford to drop anchor here. But I am having trouble mapping a safe exit route.

How do you get yourself out of a funk? This feels a little deeper than normal and with my past yo-yo'ing weight, this makes me nervous. Any help or advice would be so welcome.

I won't lie anymore

I'm not going to lie about it anymore. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Since my knee injury, I have fallen off the wagon.



I have eaten entirely too much, mindlessly snacked even more, used my knee as an excuse not to exercise AT ALL and for the past 10 days I haven't tracked my food, I haven't cared. I pretty much just gave up.

This morning, I feel terrible. I feel like the old me. I feel snappy, moody, sluggish. My pants are feeling a little snug. I have no energy. I feel depressed. I couldn't get out of bed this morning for love or money. I stayed in bed until the last possible minute and then rushed to get to work. I don't like this.

I started my morning with a Green Monster with 1/4 cup uncooked oatmeal added for substance. Today is the day I have to climb back on the wagon.

I have to go to the gym after work. I know I can't run, but I can swim, I can do the elliptical and I can do weights. I have to.

If you haven't noticed yet, this blog post is more for me than for you. It's a pep-talk to myself.

Suck it up cupcake. Get through this work day, go to the gym after work and don't go snack crazy tonight. Period. It's not rocket science. Just do it. Oh and by the way TRACK YOUR FOOD DUMMY! If no one sees you eat it, your ass still knows you ate it.

My Meal Plan for the Week:

Meatless Monday - Homemade Gnocchi* with Spinach Pesto (sans-pine nuts)
Tuesday - Sweet Potato with Beans, similar to last week's Meatless Monday
Wednesday - Goulash (do you know how long it's been since I've had goulash? I just randomly started craving it and I know I can make a healthified version)
Thursday - Tuna Burger
Friday - Leftovers of some sort, maybe on a pizza.

*I made a batch of homemade gnocchi yesterday, my kitchen was a mess but it was totally worth it. It's amazing! I think this will become a regular edition to my meal planning schedule.

I got a question on my last post about how I find time to cook. Cooking is a huge form of stress release for me. I enjoy my time in the kitchen very much. Meal planning helps a lot with time because I know what meats, etc. to remove from the freezer and have thawed and ready for use each day and I don't have to spend time thinking about what to make. Most of my meals take less than an hour to prepare. I go into the kitchen at about 6:15 and I'm sitting down to eat by 7 at the latest. It's a time commitment that I enjoy, I wish I could find more time to be in the kitchen!

My exercise plan for the week:

Monday - Swim
Tuesday - Elliptical and Weights
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - Elliptical or Bike and Weights
Friday - Swim or Elliptical

Since my May Motivation training schedule is out, I need to come up with a new plan. I must have a plan. I will fail without one.

Ok. This is it. No more excuses. I want you guys to hold me to it. If I don't post tomorrow about how I went to the gym after work today, I want you guys to call me on it. I'm serious.

Happy Monday, what is your plan for the week? Do you have one?

A weak moment.

 

Sometimes we try our best and sometimes…NUTS!

Yes, I did finish off the entire container. I’m not proud of it, but I learned from it.

I learned that this doesn’t make my husband, my Mom or my dog love me any less. All of whom I spoke to in tears after my binge. I am not a Super Human. I will fall. The feeling of total fullness and bloat does not bring me the lulled satisfaction it once did. Sometimes I will make mistakes. I learned that I probably shouldn’t bring trigger foods into my home because they do just that. They trigger me to binge eat. I know this. I guess I just needed a reminder.

We all have bad days, nights or weeks. It happens, I know that. I just wanted to be honest with you about mine.  Weak moments can be just as important as great ones, we can learn a lot from them.

Have you had a weak moment recently? Did you learn anything from it?

The husband was not harmed in the making of this blog post. He was safely away from allergens at work.

Conference Downfalls

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am attending a work conference. I am actually typing this out on my Blackberry in between sessions.

I have a hard time staying on track when my schedule varies a lot. Yesterday I gave into a fast food lunch, poor choices were made, and today I gave into half of a bagel and I wasn't even hungry. This week has also been lacking exercise and I have no real excuse except being tired, which I don't think is a legitimate excuse.

I guess I am writing to say that this week, I have been weak on my plan. This week is tough. I am not doing my best this week. Yes, I know that these things happen and yes I know I will get it back on track, but I sure do feel disappointed in myself right now.

Do you find it hard to stay on track when your schedule is hectic and varied? How do you keep from beating yourself up over it?

I am human. Damn it.

I will start this blog with my weigh in, because I want to get it over with.

Today's weight: 163.4 / +2.2lbs from last week.

Am I shocked? Actually I'm kind of shocked it wasn't more.

Shocked you didn't gain more? Really? You don't say? Yes. I went off plan...all week. I didn't track, I ate pizza and burgers between the hours of 1am-3am in Savannah and other than walking around the city and one 3 mile run yesterday I have had little activity.

I came back from a fantastic vacation to find my husband sick, my dog sick, I found that I have developed allergies to pollen after 30 years of being allergy free. The house was a mess because the husband and the dog were sick, I had to sleep in the guest bedroom so I didn't get what my husband had. I couldn't unpack from my trip. I was exhausted from not sleeping well in Savannah. All of that added together made for a very lazy, poor eating me.

Did I also mention that I work for a Beach Vacation Rental Company as Maintenance Coordinator and this week starts our peak season and that for the next 4-5 months I will be working much like a Tasmanian Devil crossbred with a Whirling Dervish? Well, I will be. Imagine that in your heads.

You know how much I hate excuses and I'm sorry to give them to you. I feel like I've let you down.

But, you know what this has helped me to realize? I'm human. It happens to all of us. However when the husband says "You haven't tracked your food this week, like at all." I know it's time to reign it back in.

Today was going to be that day...but guess what? I went back to sleep after my 5am alarm went off.

*slaps forehead*

Tonight I will do some yoga...I probably need the stress relief along with the activity.

I will do my 7 mile run (which still has not been done) on Sunday. Monday I will resume the 5:20am wake ups. That is my plan. I am starting to feel the panic of loss of control in the back of my throat. Especially when I walk into my office this morning and find this!



The candy fairy struck. The whole cup is filled with jelly beans. I love jelly beans.

Here is my meal plan:

Meatless Monday - BBQ Quorn (vegetarian chicken like substance) Pita Pizza
Tuesday - Chicken Breast with Artichoke & Feta
Wednesday - Black Bean & Corn Chili
Thursday - Hungry Girl's Outside In Turkey Cheeseburger

Wish me luck reigning this puppy in. I know this isn't the typical motivational entry that I love to write...but like I said before. I am human. The same struggles you have, I have. The same inner battles you go through, I go through as well. This all just reminds me how far I have left to go.




That being said...I wish you all happy weekends if you have them and Happy Easter's if you celebrate it!

Sometimes life just gets in the way

Savannah was amazing. I mean, really amazing. Fantastic and beyond my wildest imaginations. I had such a wonderful time and it was so great to see all of my friends.

However, I'm too tired to write about it right now.

As soon as I got home from Savannah on Sunday night, didn't even get a chance to pee, I had to take my husband to the ER for consistent vomiting. My husband has some other health issues and vomiting, although bad for everyone, is especially bad for him. We ended up there until 12:30am (after getting there at 7:15) while he got fluids and IV medications. He's still very sick, but at least it's manageable at home right now.

Then, yesterday, Chaser the wonder schnauzer got an upset tummy...all over my freshly cleaned carpets.

The past two days my allergies (which I seem to have developed this year, never had them before) has left me with eyes that feel glued shut and a super level exhaustion.

I also fell in Savannah, I slipped on some sand/cobblestone combination, tried to grab a metal barrier that was apparently made out of tin foil and rasberried one knee while tweaking the other trying to catch my fall. So, that 7 mile run got a little postponed.

My weekend full of amazingness came to a crashing end back in reality. Sometimes life gets in the way of your best intentions. I am trying to handle it as best I can.

So, between all of the above, I just don't have the energy. I promise I will update soon, a proper one. I'll leave you with one picture...just to let your imaginations run wild...

Grumpy with a chance of Bitchy.

I'm not having a good week.

I'm up +2.1 lbs since Friday. Probably due in large part to Monday's binge.

I've eaten every single one of my Flex Points for the week and some of my activity points.

I'm grumpy with a chance of bitchy.

Work is stressing me out.

Life is stressing me out.

I didn't want to talk about this here, but I promised to share my triumphs and my frustrations. Well, I'm pretty frustrated.

We all have bad weeks. I know this. How come it's easier to cheer someone on during their bad week than keep yourself motivated and in good spirits during your own?

Let me try to find some positives.

I worked out this morning...and it's Wednesday. I went to the gym and did the Elliptical for 30 minutes. Take that, husband that falls asleep on the couch and ruins my Wednesday morning work out who incidentally did NOT sleep on the couch last night.

Even though I have eaten like a crazy possessed person I have logged everything. So my poor choices can be viewed for years to come.

I have made the meals according to my meal plan this week, even if none of them have knocked my socks off. This is helping put a dent in Operation Freezer.

I am more than halfway through the book I started over the weekend, My Sister's Keeper.

I have coffee.

That's all I got for today. I am totally blaming TOM. That f*cking f*cker.

What do you do when you are having an off day or week? How do you get out of the funk when all your usual tricks fail?

When you least expect it

Yesterday was my first day back at work after my va/stay-cation. I had a headache, I was exhausted and the last thing I felt like doing when I got home was going to the gym. Yet all day long I kept thinking "I just want to go for a run, a run would make me feel better." I canceled plans with a girlfriend for dinner because I was just miserable. I got home, looked at my couch and almost gave in. At 5:10 I called my friend and put dinner back on the schedule for 7pm. This gave me about an hour to work out, so I headed to the gym.

I ran a quick 2 miles on the treadmill:



and then headed into the weight room where I worked on arms and abs. By the end of the work out that I totally did not want to do I felt AMAZING. My headache was gone, the blahs were gone and I was bopping my head along with the music.

THAT feeling, the one that comes after a really great work out is the greatest high. It always comes when I least expect it. I think I have the best workouts when I make myself go to the gym when I really don't want to. Now, if only that feeling were strong enough to get me out of bed without fail at 6am, all would be right with the world.

Happy Weekend to those who have them! After work today, I may just head to the gym again. :)

I am just not having a good day.

I am just not having a good day. Today I am sad, I am angry and I am depressed. Honestly, I have felt this way for weeks, not just today and I can't seem to shake it.

However, feeling this way does not give me the right to eat whatever I want, stop exercising or give up trying to make myself feel better.

I will not drop anchor here. This will not be my undoing. I will not binge, it will not make me feel better. I will not stop caring about myself as I have in the past. I will not be sucked into the black hole of despair with an open ended ticket.

I must work on a plan to get myself out of this hell.