I'm totally an addict.

Sunday afternoon, I gave myself permission to be lazy. My Philadelphia Eagles didn't play this week, so I there was nothing on TV. While drifting in and out of naps (it was chilly and rainy, perfect day for it, I did manage to run 3 miles earlier in the day though) I was watching a marathon of True Life on MTV. This marathon was all about drugs. I wasn't really paying attention until the story of this girl came on. She made me so mad. She had been through rehab 16 times....yes, that's 1 6 as in sixteen times and she was out of rehab, living in a halfway house and she said "You know, I'm not sure I'm going to stay off the pills or not." 3 days after they filmed her, she relapsed. Huge surprise right? Especially with that mentality.

Then, there was a guy...he was addicted to Oxycontin (I think) and he was desperate to get clean. He went to a doctor to ask for help and the doctor said "Are you ready to give it up?" and his answer was "No, I just need you to give the medicine I need to withdraw". I'm sorry, but that made me mad too. Don't ask for help unless you are ready to take the steps to get better.

Driving to work yesterday I was being kind of hard on myself because I had promised myself Sunday night that I would go to the gym Monday morning. I didn't make it. Then, yesterday day I promised myself a run after work. I didn't make it. I was going to stay within my points yesterday too...I didn't. Last night, because I failed myself yesterday I was determined to get up this morning and go to the gym. I still didn't. Oh, and did I mention I'm smoking way more than I should for a "non-smoker" these days? Yeah, not real proud of that either.

Then I got to thinking...how am I any better than them? I was on the right path, I was doing great, then I started to let little things slip in. "Doing this one time won't hurt anything...", "A cigarette while drinking doesn't count..." "I worked out yesterday, so I can skip today" "I'm not going to get my wedding ring re-sized, even though it's almost falling off, because I'm afraid I'll gain the weight back..." (sound familiar?) and before I know it, I'm flip flopped my "Live healthily 80% of the time to be naughty 20% of the time" motto with naughty 80%, healthy 20%. I was there...I was in rehab and then I slipped back into my addiction. Food and laziness. Granted, I'm not rock bottom, but I'm on a dangerous slope and gravity is trying very hard to work against me.

I can't let it. I won't.

I am sorry that most of my updates lately have been about my failures, but that's part of it. I want to share it all. This is not easy. There is no magical pill or potion. It's a daily struggle for me.